Mitch Hedberg's dry humor at its best.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I'm going to put pins into other locations I've travelled to; but first I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I'm not into sports, I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

When I was a boy I laid in my twin-sized bed wondering where my brother was.

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say, "you're home!"

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.