Mitch Hedberg's dry humor at its best.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I'm going to put pins into other locations I've travelled to; but first I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I'm not into sports, I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

When I was a boy I laid in my twin-sized bed wondering where my brother was.

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say, "you're home!"

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

Goethe

One should, each day, try to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it is possible, speak a few reasonable words.

Nietzsche, Letter to his (lame) Sister

...As for your principle that truth is always on the side of the more difficult, I admit this in part. However, it is difficult to believe that 2 times 2 is not 4; does that make it true? On the other hand, is it really so difficult simply to accept everything that one has been brought up on and that has gradually struck deep roots-what is considered truth in the circle of one's relatives and of many good men, and what, moreover, really comforts and elevates man? Is that more difficult than to strike new paths, fighting the habitual, experiencing the insecurity of independence and the frequent wavering of one's feelings and even one's conscience, proceeding often without any consolation, but ever with the eternal goal of the true, the beautiful, and the good? Is it decisive after all that we arrive at that view of God, world, and reconciliation which makes us feel most comfortable? Rather, is not the result of his inquiries something wholly indifferent to the true inquirer? Do we after all seek rest, peace, and pleasure in our inquiries? No, only truth-even if it be abhorrent and ugly.
Still one last question: if we had believed from childhood that all salvation issued form someone other than Jesus-say, Mohammed-is it not certain that we should have experienced the same blessings? ...Faith does not offer the least support for a proof of objective truth. Here the ways of men part: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire ...

W.I. Thomas, Thomas Theorem, Sociology

It is not important whether the interpretation is correct - if men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.